Build yourself up.

The nature of the beast: It is not finished before you are in the grave. That is what you need to understand. It is the destructive force, it is death, slowly finishing your body because you want it smaller. Instead of letting it kill you slowly as it helps you get thin you could focus on how you can build people up. That will help you build yourself up too, because how can you help others if you have not helped yourself first? 

Maybe our purpose is to help others, but to be able to do so we first need to go through what others do? I do not want to say when my life has ended and souls ask what I did at earth "At least I managed to get really skinny." No, I want to say I tried to help people as much as possible so they could understand their own worth enough to take care of themselves and do the same thing. I have tried to help a woman with an ED lately and by doing so I came to a point where I saw I could not get further because I had not understood why I was destructive myself yet, but the motivation to help her motivated me to take a good look at the big knot in my mind and unravel what was there.

To get thin was a strategy to deal with selfish people when setting boundaries for myself was not an option as I was already invaded. When you get invaded it builds up hate, but if that hate is not possible to express to the people who did you harm what do you do with it? Selfish people also want you to take the blame! So you have to take it on yourself. If you had expressed it you might have killed the beasts and the hate doesn't calm down when they never say sorry. Also meaning it is not safe again. You can expect abuse to happen again. What do you do when the beasts can not be controlled? You avoid them and you try what you can to prevent abuse to happen again so you can feel somewhat safe. You make sure your body is less visible for the beasts, less sexy to avoid sexual abuse, less repulsive for the ones with contempt to avoid criticism and rejection. You do what you can do in a world that is unsafe because many have no empathy. They just take what they want and say what they feel like. But you are not weak. You were weakened for a while by rejection, invasion and abuse. It is harm that needs healing. Thing is you will get stronger when the healing is done and then you can easily manage those beasts. Because they are the weak ones as they lack every deed. Without love they are nothing. 

Build yourself up because the abusers have no pity. Build yourself up by the power of love and step on the beasts with your foot. What they say says something about themselves. As a channel for love there is nothing in the way that can be harmed. As a channel for love you are finally safe. Build yourself up because your love is needed by those who have experienced the same as you. 

I want to be natural.

When I am underweight I admire women with much more fat on their bodies than I have, but when I have restored my weight earlier I could not endure the same look on myself and admired the underweight bodies again so I went back to restriction every time. Maybe I admire the bigger bodies because my body longs to get more fat on itself? Wouldn't surprise me if it tries to trick me like that. I have recently started to get this urge to just no longer give a fuck about how many calories I eat a day (I count every piece of cucumber even and did it even while restoring my weight while consuming 3500 calories daily). I think my instincts I normally have under control have found many small holes to come up from after I have developed more love. I just no longer have the confidence to have more fat on my body, even though I think it looks so cute on others. On me it is just a sign of failure. I wish I could accept what ever amount of fat. I wish I did not get crazy from feeling fat on my stomach. Why is fat so horrible on me and so cute on others. It is unfair. Just kidding. 

I was so confident at 14 with my no longer thigh gap. I knew my face was pretty and guys liked me so I didn't care when an older guy said he wished I was thinner. But then rejection from my dad because of my bigger body than 4 years earlier happened and being seen just as an object by guys as well so being at a normal weight got difficult. We can not control others, but we can try to prevent shit from people by controlling our bodies, right? Or so I have thought. In reality I just avoided people. My dad was an ass no matter how thin I was and many guys desire women at any weight. Some people do not see past the material and pass their own nose. I think I did the right thing by avoiding certain people. 

We can do so much good if we just gave ourselves the energy. We can do so much for others. I am trying to help a lady who has an ED, but I can only get so far because i am in fear like she is. A fear that sits so deep because it is from trauma. I want her to get passed it. I have to get passed it to be able to guide her. It is all about love. Even the ED. Love, humiliation and rejection. You love, but others humiliate and reject. I just want to get over it, get through the big knot. I even want to be a proud role model with extra fat on my body just to say it is possible to be happy and chubby. I just need to mean it. It is more embarrassing to tell people you have to control your food intake than be natural. Please, me come to that mindset totally.

Rejection. Humiliation.

Fear of rejection is part of an ED, but don't forget fear of humiliation that goes hand in hand with it. 

From humiliation comes anger, but to take it out on the one(s) who humiliated us is fruitless so where do we direct it? The body that also was a part of why the humiliation happened in the first place. We can not control other people, but we can try to prevent it from happening again. Hence making us look child-like, innocent, pretty or cool so people will less likely think of attacking us again. Every time I felt humiliated I looked at myself from the outside and I saw what I felt; big. Humiliation feels like exposure, enlarged under a magnifying glass and scrutinised. We don't want this humiliation to happen again. We also want to heal from the experiences, but we don't know how to do any of those things so we reduce our own body. We simply don't know better and those who were suppose to take care of us did not either.

I can give you two examples from my own life. My dad left me when I was 10 and when he came back to see me 6 years later he just stood in the other end of the living room and looked at me. He did not come to hug me and said nothing. Just looked at me for a long time. It was uncomfortable. I felt exposed. Then he said: You have grown. He did not look happy. I thought he was unhappy with how my body had turned out. I felt rejected. He did not come closer, he said nothing more. Yes, so I felt humiliated, exposed, scrutinised. (My dad was a weird man. He never hugged me, held me, I never got to hold his hand even when I asked him to. My mum never touched me either. Not even when I had hurt myself did she try to calm me down by touching me a little. )

Another time I felt humiliated was when a 44 year old man exposed himself to me when I was 16. He had sat his chair into the hallway where he knew I would come before bedtime so I could see him when I passed by. There he sat with an open dressing gown and his hand on his penis, sleeping. I thought God was behind this, showing me myself from the outside, so when I went into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror I saw a fat pig there instead. 

That is when I started restricting food. First pig meat. The woman in the house thought I was dieting when I said I didn't want the pork dinner she served me and suggested I avoided bread with cheese instead. So I did. And thought I should go on a restrictive diet since she thought I was dieting. She would never think that unless I needed it, I thought. 

Too hard to accept reality

People with an ED do not accept reality.

It is just too hard not to be loved by anybody.

They feel rejected, powerless and disappointed. 

They take a look down on themselves,

spot something they can change and feel some power again.

Now the disappointment is placed on the body instead.

They make a plan to change how they look,

hoping others might find them adorable enough

to give them enough attention to be able to see 

enough of them to finally love them. 

As their appearance change 

they do get attention from some,

but it never passes the surface.

How dreary when the plan doesn't work out,

but then they try harder, lose more weight

and try to make themselves more interesting

under the surface as well.

If they only accepted the reality

by understanding some people do not have insight enough

to see others passed the surface.

A loving person can see you and love you just like that. 

You don't have to do anything to make that happen.

Never give up finding someone who can love

and in the meantime find the love inside.

 

What is your top priority in life?

My highest priority in life has been to be thin and fit. It has really bothered me. I even had a child and my highest priority was you know what and I was ashamed and could not tell anyone. When I was pregnant I was scared I had to put my kid before myself, his needs before mine, and I was crying because I had no idea how to do that without being grumpy. I decided to see our needs as equal before I was ready to have a baby. My mindset did work out most of the time, but not always. I have done some questionable things. But when my x husband criticised me and I saw myself through his eyes as a bad mum I did not see a reason to live. If I failed as a mum I was worthless in my own eyes. I got out of his sight and eyes after a while and found I did not think I was a bad mum myself so I kept going.

I have been a religious person for very long and my anorexia has been both holy and wordly. Earlier my ideal was to serve others every second of day and night and never pay attention to myself while reality was the complete opposite, because I did not accept that my body, which I called I, had needs. I was very unhappy for living so far from my ideal. I blamed my body for it because it did not have the energy to help me serve and took so much attention as it was always hungry and tired or sleepy. I understood one day it was very unrealistic to expect to live life at earth as if it was heaven, literally, and to believe I could manipulate the body to have no needs. 

Lately I realised I am surprisingly selfish. I understood this for real when I witnessed how I dealt with my son, now 18, when he didn't want to see or talk to me. To be rejected by my son has been the worst ever. I say rejected because I took it very personally. Because I suffered so deeply I first thought: Wow, I love him so deeply. Later I realised my love was selfish because I could not leave him alone like he wanted me to. I could not accept the rejection because I wanted to see him. To realise that I am so selfish made me depressed for a while. I felt like a prisoner of my own ego. I wanted to to love him on his terms, but my ego with its emotions did not allow it to happen. I understood to be selfless my ego had to be out of my mind. My life did not change much anyway. I just payed more attention to my husband. Then something happened.

I watched a Youtube video where a guy had been dead, come back to life at earth and said he had heard three important messages in heaven. One of them was: Just love! I needed to hear that because my love has been a selective one. I have not understood I must love absolutely all the time. I must be my true self which is always loving. God has already told me earlier that it is not the action itself that matters, it is the love that is shared through the actions, but I did not think that I should stop being selective with my love so that video was much needed. I have not put to love as my highest priority. I have put stupid things like eating a certain way and exercise as my top priority. Vanity as number one. My self as number one. I meditated today and understood what it means to love a body. It is not to like how it looks, but to listen to its needs, be careful with it, accept its needs, give it rest when it needs rest and enough food and the type of food it needs and so on. 

My body was never to blame for me not serving all the time. The reason why I did not serve others was because I ignored my tool to do it. I did not love others because I was trapped in my intolerant and discriminating ego. I could have served my body and people. Then I could have loved every second of the time. 

The essence of anorexia in a poem

When you don't love me 

I feel so deprived

I can't eat

and the feeling get intensified.

Take care, friends say,

but why should I

when you don't?

Doc tells me I have anorexia,

but I don't have anything

when I don't have your love.

What can make me well from my ED?

I just realised that what I thought was the causes of my anorexia really was not. I thought it was neglect and trauma. Partly yes, but I think the main cause was simply that what I saw as my main focus in life was taken away from me when I was 12 and never replaced with something else I loved and was time consuming as that. I was obsessed with classical ballet and hoped to be a professional dancer in the future. Then suddenly my mum said she could no longer afford to pay ballet lessons so I had to quit. She looked so sad when she said it so I decided to be selfless and not protest. A few months later I discover she has used money on plastic surgery. I was mad and felt betrayed, but I didn't say anything. I just rejected her from my heart. My life was empty then because everything I had done earlier was to perfect my dancing skills by improving my jumps, strength, flexibility, technique and grace. No point in doing that anymore so I looked at what my best friend was into. She was into food. So I started making food as a hobby together with her, but after a while I gained weight and I was not happy. I got into food on my own way instead, by becoming vegetarian and dieting. When that became hell I thought if I started doing drugs I might forget about the food, so I tried that for a year, but I just got occupied with both instead and eating way too little.

Maybe I need something time consuming to perfect, little by little. To perfect being skinny must as we know end in death because perfectly skinny is the skinniest, is it not? The recent years I have tried to perfect being healthy more than to perfect being skinny, but it is nothing to write home about, you know. To accomplish something that helps people or improves the world slightly would be so much better. Healthy people focus on their work, trying to perfect it. At least those who have the perfectionistic personality as many with anorexia has. I did get into poetry and God for many years and after that taking care of a son. I was not too focused on food then. It was still a priority to be skinny, but it was not the most important thing in my life to think about. I just ate habitually. So do I just need something to focus on and perfect to get rid of my ED? 

I thought so for a few minutes, but if that was the case I should have been well while having my son, but I was at my lowest weight then. I remember now there was something else in the center of my life before I got obsessed with ballet. Dad, my rock. He chose to not be my dad anymore when I was ten and left, hoping my mum would find another dad for me. He did not say that before he was about to die many years later, but I was shocked the one I thought loved me and that I loved so much would suddenly leave me as if we had no history together. I never got over it. I cried for so many years as an adult because I missed him and could not understand why he left me. So I don't know what to do to get back to how it was before I developed an ED. 

I think it is too late to get the same result by going back to something similar as in my childhood, though because I know people are not to be trusted now. I loved my son, but I was still obsessed with my ED. I was very into God and poetry, but I was still having an ED. It is not about being loved either because I am married to a man who loves me, but I am not attached. We are both individualists, both neglected and rejected by both our parents. So what can make me well now? I have thought I need another man, someone who can love me the way I think I need. Someone more emotionally available, someone who can see me on a deeper level, but even that won't help me to get rid of the ED, probably. 

If I should take a guess it is only by my decision to throw the ED out of my inner house I can get well. Just like I decided to start dieting I can stop it. By no longer give a fuck about how much fat is on my body and prioritise selfless actions for others. I think my ED is me, but in reality it is the voice of my mum. She is very careful with what she eats and always pay attention to how much fat is on her stomach. She is so tiny now at age 85. I can have God and the service of mankind as the center of my life. I know God heals me if I let him. He has healed me bit by bit each time I said I was ready for it. But it is not only the love I receive that will save me. It is the love I give. When I give selflessly I am free from myself. It is freedom. It is love. Appearance doesn't matter then. What matters then is we are united and love is all there is.