But how?

To get well from anorexia I am certain we has to start follow realistic, not our supernatural, ideals and demands. We have to find the unrealistic ones and reduce them. One of my ideals is to serve others, work all the time, only thinking about others needs and not my own, and do that with no thought or need for food or sleep.

When I was little my dad thought I might be a genious, almost. Very intelligent. He asked the school if i could skip a grade or two when i was 5 because I could do the things my sister did at school better than her (she is 3,5 years older). The school said it was ok, but that it would not be the wisest thing to do because of social reasons. I am glad they followed that advice because I felt childish in comparison to the others in my class.

Point is: how my parents thought of me had much influence on my expectations to myself. I remember I got a panick attack when I was 12 because I found out i was not as well prepared to a test as i wanted to be (to do it perfectly). I remember I rushed home from my friends to read.They never asked how school was and expected I did the best and didn't need any help.

After I felt rejected first by my father, then my mother, then a boy i was interested in and finally a man who treated me badly, I started dieting, as I remembered my parents ideals for how a body should look like.

But how to let go of unrealistic demands to ourselves i don't know, but I think the first step is to find out where it comes from, and reject the demands because they are stupid.

Great article about hypersensitivity.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/26/highly-sensitive-people-signs-habits_n_4810794.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

I don't like the truth.

https://gokaleo.com/2013/01/25/adrenal-fatigue-as-a-cover-for-starvation/

I am reading the article above because I was searching the web to see if calorie-restriction is the main cause for getting the flu and cold all the time. It even said that when you starve you are more sensitive to cold weather, and it is when it is cold outsie I get the cold and flu more often. I have wanted to find another reason, like lack of vitamins, so I do not have to gain weight to get my health back. I have actually asked God why i get ill all the time, because I have suppressed the fact that i eat a bit too little. The article above is a bit upsetting and I do not want it to be the truth. I will take supplemenst, but a thought says I have done that before and it did not help.

I really don't like this. i do not want to gain weight. On the other hand I am really tired of being tired all the time and not have energy to be happy, for yoga, a life! I am sad now. It is so scary to think about being large and to have fat on the hips. I am afraid I will drown in my own fatty body. Now that I am thin I feel I stand out, clean from excess fat. Oh God.

Another thing taht is even worse is that I am always feeling bad because I do not serve others (work).
Oh my God, i have thought I am well from anorexia lately because I am pretty happy with my weight and and have no feeling of starvation.

I eat round 1500 a day, but remember i am not active like most people (because i don't have the energy). I only walk 70 minutes a day and try to do yoga 3-4 times a week.

Oh, God, it scares me to see the facts.

What i do, though, is to sleep when I need to sleep. I mean at daytime, when i am ill or in lack of sleep because i never get enough at night. So i think I take care of my self pretty good. I try not to think that i burn less calories that way, but I do, but I do not let that stop me from sleeping.

Lately i have had fever and probably should stay home and relax, but I don't want to gain weight so I take my walks even though my energy-level is very low. I more slowly the more ill I am. I know fighting virus burn some calories. Thank God for that!

A little part of me want to get well. For me that means to eat without worrying about calories and how healthy it is and without forcing myself to exercise and not study my body and freak out when I see fat. Then I will feel mature, but when I picture this I can't see my face, it is another persons face. I really can't see myself like big. I have a plan that I will do this sometime when I get old enough. I still look very young. People take me for more than 10 years younger than i am. (Always eating healthy and taking supplements, never much in the sun-exposure, no alchohol, drugs, medicine or tobacco.) But that may partly be because I am thin:(.

What a relief it must be to eat much and not be scared afterwards!

I am scared the day I should let go totally is sooner than I would like it to be. Perhaps i should decide exsactly the day for it now so that I don't always think: "I will eat normal in the future some day". I suggest the age 45. Then I am in the middle of mye life and should be mature and not look like an anorexic or Hollywood-wife kind of vain. I have never thought Kate Winslet has an ugly body, but was shocked when I saw her nude in the movie "Holy smoke!". It was very facinating to see her naked, and I think she is brave letting her body be natural, and I think I may be that size when i am well from anorexia. I should have a picture of her naked body on the wall in stead of looking at skinny models, right? I must start trying to picture myself with a larger body. If it comes like shock, like last time I tried to gain, it will not work. It looks like I must gain 20 kilos to look like her here:

Verdien av å kaste opp.

I perioder har jeg likt å kaste opp for avspenningen av solar plexus skyld. Ved å kaste opp forløses spenning så man kan lettere få kontakt med følelsene sine etterpå. Det er som om man kaster opp mat og følelser samtidig. Det er som en ytre og indre renselse. I tillegg blir man kvitt dårlig samvittighet for det en har tatt til seg av mat. Da jeg var helt avhengig av å kaste opp hadde jeg mange dårlige inntrykk som jeg hadde tatt inn over meg å bli kvitt. Inntrykk jeg ikke hadde bearbeidet og blitt ferdig med. Å kaste opp hjalp på et vis å bli kvitt de vonde følelsene knyttet til inntrykkene. Jeg hadde også rett og slett blitt kvalm av visse inntrykk / opplevelser av råtten oppførsel.  Nå gjør jeg yoga, meditasjon eller rosen-metoden for å forløse innestengte følelser. 

Artikkel om viktigheten av å lytte - ha kontakt med naturen.

http://harvest.as/artikkel/skal-jeg-bli-frisk-ma-jeg-ut

Fork in me.

They have a fork in me and say: Eat!

If i could write a letter to myself as a teenager this would be it.

If someone don't care, to rebel do not help, because you can't change someone who don't see and don't have the ability. Remember the word envy when someone are cruel so you don't fall in their trap. Do not take other peoples responsibility and remember that the one calling you selfish probably are more selfish than you are. To say no is not a mean thing to do. People will not like you less if you follow your own will, they will just not be able to use you selfishly. I can't see how you could have done anything differently, though, because what you did fit perfectly to the circumstances and there are no other options in sight. So I just wish you did not feel ashamed or down because of the bad behaviour done against you. I wish that darkness did' nt overshadow you and made the light so rarely get through to you.