Do not wait on others

Why are we not taking better care of ourselves? Are we waiting for others to no longer judge before we do it? To take us seriously before we do? Do we wait for others to show love before we do? What if everyone is waiting for others to love us first? 

To get out of the ego / fear / judgemental mindset and into an open heart state we dare not do if we think people will be attacking, judgemental and angry, but if we remember everyone is loving beings struggling with an ego as they are at earth, we automatically become this loving being rid of the fear, the judgements and the ego by wanting to help people get rid of their fear, ego, judgements. See? It is a choice we have, to either defend the ego or try to get rid of it - for others. 

We can not get rid of it in ourselves just like that. It starts with caring about others, then we are free from the ego. There is no fear in love. I am inviting you now to think about all the people who struggle with fear of others judgements they have internalised in fear of rejection and anger because it suffocates them and the destructive behaviour that follows, both to themselves and others, and recognise if you feel an opening in you and a wish to help reduce their suffering. You are this loving being. The fear is based on illusions. You are free without even knowing it because you belive in those illusions. But that can change in a snap of fingers. You are not the one with an ED. Don't put labels on a loving being. Endless love united with everyone else who also are that love is what you are. There is nothing to judge. God does not judge, so why should we? God just loves us. That is all He can do. We can relax. There is nothing to fear. If someone would ever judge you they just have not understood this yet. How free they really are. You can not be rejected because we are all connected by love and that will never change. 

The constant

When my world was crashing down I would in the past think: I am still thin at least. It was my only constant in a chaotic environment. It is a meager comfort, though as it doesn't give anything, but false safety. I thought it would be hard to let go of this, but gradually it was disappearing when I focused on taking good care of my body instead of making sure it was thin. The point was to focus on the body, not necessarily to make it small, but to take care of it and let no one interfere after being sexually, verbally and physically abused. I tried taking care of myself the way I was taught, but my mum was not a good teacher or role model as she was restricting herself and had a lot of rules not healthy to follow. I was ashamed of being thin unnaturally and to be driven by fear. I wanted to be authentic and brave. I also hated that I was in my bubble because everyone else is too and don't really connect. I always wanted to connect, but was taught to be in my bubble as that is what others does. I believe in caring about others, connect and share burdens because that is when we get more aware and encouraged to do the right thing and heal. 

For me the desire to be authentic helped me recover because in the process one must question all the beliefs, preferences and values wheather they are taught or our own. Many are ingrained since childhood and can be hard to see if they are truly ours or not. I thought for a long time I only thought thin bodies were acceptable and pretty, but now I know that is what my mum think, not me. My fear made me think so, but deep down I am not obsessed about looks at all. I remembered how I felt as a kid about bodies and looks and that is how I found myself again, free from the my mum and society. It was my fear of weight gain (which hid the true fear which was fear of losing control, loose face, get uncontrollably angry, sad or scared, being ridiculed, humiliated and despised) which made me obsessed with a certain look. My parents both taught me thin is good, body fat is bad. 

Recovery is self discovery. I am the same no matter what is going on, no matter what I feel. I am constantly here no matter how my body looks. I will never lose myself. I am the constant. God is the constant that loves highly and unconditionally.