I have been a religious person for very long and my anorexia has been both holy and wordly. Earlier my ideal was to serve others every second of day and night and never pay attention to myself while reality was the complete opposite, because I did not accept that my body, which I called I, had needs. I was very unhappy for living so far from my ideal. I blamed my body for it because it did not have the energy to help me serve and took so much attention as it was always hungry and tired or sleepy. I understood one day it was very unrealistic to expect to live life at earth as if it was heaven, literally, and to believe I could manipulate the body to have no needs.
Lately I realised I am surprisingly selfish. I understood this for real when I witnessed how I dealt with my son, now 18, when he didn't want to see or talk to me. To be rejected by my son has been the worst ever. I say rejected because I took it very personally. Because I suffered so deeply I first thought: Wow, I love him so deeply. Later I realised my love was selfish because I could not leave him alone like he wanted me to. I could not accept the rejection because I wanted to see him. To realise that I am so selfish made me depressed for a while. I felt like a prisoner of my own ego. I wanted to to love him on his terms, but my ego with its emotions did not allow it to happen. I understood to be selfless my ego had to be out of my mind. My life did not change much anyway. I just payed more attention to my husband. Then something happened.
I watched a Youtube video where a guy had been dead, come back to life at earth and said he had heard three important messages in heaven. One of them was: Just love! I needed to hear that because my love has been a selective one. I have not understood I must love absolutely all the time. I must be my true self which is always loving. God has already told me earlier that it is not the action itself that matters, it is the love that is shared through the actions, but I did not think that I should stop being selective with my love so that video was much needed. I have not put to love as my highest priority. I have put stupid things like eating a certain way and exercise as my top priority. Vanity as number one. My self as number one. I meditated today and understood what it means to love a body. It is not to like how it looks, but to listen to its needs, be careful with it, accept its needs, give it rest when it needs rest and enough food and the type of food it needs and so on.
My body was never to blame for me not serving all the time. The reason why I did not serve others was because I ignored my tool to do it. I did not love others because I was trapped in my intolerant and discriminating ego. I could have served my body and people. Then I could have loved every second of the time.
