It started like this: I wanted to act like a grown up who had control over herself and ate what she found healthy instead of what ever she desired. At the time I was traumatized and did no longer want to have big boobs to attract men. I wanted to be taken seriously and not as a sex object. Now I like to have control over myself and make all aspects of my self better. I am not a carefree person. To restrict is very easy for me after a lot of practice. I just have a routine. I eat the same every day so no need to think about food unless I am gonna make it or buy it. I like to be thin so then I will make myself thin. The best method for me is to restrict with just 500 calories a day. That prevents binges and I will get to my goal weight even though it takes a long time. I also have the pleasure of knowing I get thinner every day. Earlier it was the fear of having fat on my body that drove me. I don't feel the fear that much anymore because I have restored my weight several times.
Now that I am in a serious relationship I understand that to fix how I look is so much easier to focus on than fixing how I act and communicate. I can be a lot nicer. When alone I am not confronted about what I need to change so I just change my appearance. In a relationship I must work on my negativity so I am not a depressed and risk that he leaves me, control my anger, not express my negativity in a way that can be perceived as an attack, not criticize, dare to show love, dare to ask for what I need, dare to be vulnerable and honest, change the words I use to express myself. I have to change into a loving person in other words.
