I am back and need to heal

I have lived in Kenya now for about 4 months. I have lost weight. I wanted to be thin like those who lives here so I ate a bit less (1500 calories daily) for a while before I came. I feel miserable. I get easily upset and angry when people disappoint me, I cry every time I do yoga. I feel hungry and weak and have terrible headaches. I always have headaches, more or less painful. I don't do much because I dont have the energy and I feel bad because I don't do much, but if i ask myself how much I would have to do to feel good enough to allow myself to eat as much as I need the answer is no amount is big enough. No effort can be brilliant enough either to be worth eating enough and maybe have a big body. So I'm trapped. No use in trying to heal physically once again when I know I wont let myself be at a normal weight when I get there. I will as every time before start to restrict again once my body is at a normal weight. I think my parents are the cause of me feeling unworthy. They treated me like shit and never took me seriously. I have asked God if He can heal me so I don't feel unworthy anymore. This is the root cause of my anorexia so let's see how it goes from there. I feel that a fat body is disgusting so that must change as well. I haven't always thought like that, but I'm back to feeling that now, when I think I am the one who has to carry the fat. It would help tremendously if I had a stable boyfriend who would desire me if I was bigger. I am slightly underweight now. BMI 17,4, but I think I have a lot of fat on my body. It is the muscles I have lost mostly.

Update after 4 new months: I lost weight too rapidly so I had to increase my calories to 1600, but I am still losing weight. I weigh 51 now. (171cm tall) I have got a boyfriend now who do support me if I want to heal, eat more etc. I am mentally preparing myself to eat more. I will try reverse dieting very soon. I think I will start today. I will never go back so i have to let God heal me completely this time and let no fear remain. This is what I wrote to my boyfriend today:

I saw a Masaai woman before me in a queue at Naivas today and she looked so strong, fierce and with dignity. She is my role model to think about if I gain weight. She looked androgyne with her short hair. She looked awesome and even though she probably weighed 70 kilos or more she looked awesome. For me respect and dignity is everything. If I can be bigger and still get respect and attention I dont need to be thin. I was almost starting to talk to her and tell her my situation and what I thought of her, but she got a customer. I may talk to her another time. I get exactly what I need when I need it. God is helping me now so much. I have changed my mindset a lot since we last talked as I have been thinking, listening and dreaming about healthy mindset around eating and body. I feel more content and happy right now because I am starting to envision what healthy, natural thinking around food and body looks like. This is what I need God to help me with, also further, so I once and for all can start to work with my body as a team and embrace what is natural in a world where most people are artificial, materialistic  and has lost touch with their soul and its connection to mother earth.

I pre-feel the peace I will feel not being afraid of weight gain and how calm I will be without the stress the body produces from being constantly underfed. I have already decided I want to heal. I like the thought of healthy/natural/loving too much to continue depriving my body. I will increase my calories a little already today. I wont even eat the exact same amount of calories every day either, but rather try listening to my body because I have understood that my body is the most reliable to listen to when i wonder about how much and what to eat. A nutritionist can only give guidelines, not precise recommendations. There is a lot of freedom in this as the body is always with me. I think this was my missing piece and the key to be able to get well. This was what I needed to understand to snap out of the fear based mindset. I needed something to trust, to feel safe and stop fearing and distrust the body is the solution. Earlier I always thought of my body as the enemy because it wasn't to be trusted. At least that was what i thought after the ugly older guy told me sex and love is separate things when I was 16. (I had felt love when I was attracted sexually to boys so when he told me what he did I assumed he was right and that what i had felt was something else and therefor my body was not to be trusted. It was traumatizing) I'm getting closer to where I am no longer neurotic. I will let God do everything he wants to heal my psyche. I feel grateful.

I have made a list to motivate me to eat naturally. Here it is:

-Stop the fight with my body and be at peace and freedom accepting the bodys needs/signals.

-The relentless pride will lessen as I no longer am proud of being able to manipulating my body as I wish and how thin it looks.

-God will be happy because I am no longer destructive and because i accept the energy/life he wants to offer me in the form of food.

-I will be authentic/natural.

-I will become healthy

-I will experience less pain in muscles, joints and my head.

-I will become stronger mentally and physically.

-My libido will increase (a good thing now that i am not single)

-I will be more tolerant, my short temper, my short fuse, will be healed.

-I will have more energy to be more active, get stronger and to serve God.

- I will be more happy and to share that with others.

-I will no longer wish to die because of depression and feeling that my health is deteriorating. (Muscle and joint pain continuously in new places and headaches and migraines more and more often.

-To become less neurotic by being open for God changing my mindset and become more realistic/accept reality, not demand unrealistic measures of myself.

I wish to have some motivating goals to look forward to as well. If I increase my energy I will be able to do more:

-Photography

-Reading

-Writing

-Yoga

-Strength training

-Swimming

-Dancing

-Cooking won't be such a drag with enough energy

I hope I will find something new and exciting to do. Maybe:

-Parachuting

-Get a dog and train it

-Scuba diving or just snorkeling

-Gardening

-Grow vegetables

Funny thing is I thought women here would be thin, but there is much more thin women in Norway. Here they don't care about being thin and they don't diet. They eat a lot of fat. They fry things made of flours, fish and potatoes in oil. So to gain weight here is not so scary. No one will tell me i am too fat. I love the fact that dieting isn't a thing here and that anorexia is something they have never heard about.

I don't want to use my strength to endure self inflicted pain anymore. I want to be strong to be a role model, help free people and to feel protected. I no longer want to be thin, cute and so fragile people have to give me my will. I want to get my will because i deserve it and because I am strong enough to get it fair and square.

The Masaai women represents strength and being a warrior (even though it is still just men who are allowed to be one, but that won't last forever). I don't want to be weak mentally by giving into fear of weight gain or weak physically as a result of it. No, I want to be strong enough to share my smiles to people I meet along my path.

We who has anorexia consider us selves as strong because we are self disciplined, sacrifice a lot to reach our goal and endure a lot of pain, but we are actually weak when we give into our fear of gaining a healthy weight and don't accept ourselves the way we are. I want to be a strong warrior who conquer my fear of rejection and I will no longer manipulate my body just to prove to my materialistic parents that I am not my body.

What you can expect in recovery from an eating disorder

People who recover from an eating disorder may soon go back to old habits unless they get knowledge about what to expect in the recovery process. Many are surprised that they get less energy instead of more when they eat more. They don't understand that the body wants to rest to be able to heal the damage the body hasn't been able to heal the time it did not get enough energy for the job. They don't even think damage has been done. In the beginning of the healing process many experience edema. Many freak out and think they rapidly gain fat, but that is not possible. Read about edema here:https://www.acute.org/blog/edema-eating-disorder-recovery-causes-prevention-and-treatment

Many also get surprised when they get extreme hunger and can eat ten thousand calories in a day, forgetting the body has been starved and need extra food. When this happens many are afraid they have just switched from anorexia to binge eating disorder and are not getting well at all, but this is a misunderstanding. A restrictive person do not become a binge eater. The extreme hunger will only last until the body has got the energy it needs to heal from starvation. Do not stop eating a lot just because you think you have reached a high enough weight. It is up to the body to decide when you have gained enough. After a period of extreme hunger the hunger will normalize and the weight gain will stop.

At this point it is important to continue eating enough food. Read the recommended amounts at the ED institute https://edinstitute.org/blog/2011/9/14/i-need-how-many-calories. Don't compare your own food intake with others, but eat when hungry till you are satisfied all day every day. Respect the bodys signals and eat. You need a lot of food. Do not trust a calculator online to tell you how many calories your body needs. The body will tell you that more precisely. 

Do not restrict even the slightest to lose weight or you may very soon go back to restricting more and more. No more restriction! No more starving! If you overshot your set point weight you will lose excess water and fat naturally if you continue eating enough and avoid purging and exercising. The body needs the food and weight gain to rebuild the muscle mass and heal the metabolism. You don't need to do strength training to rebuild the muscles, you need enough food and rest. The body gain water first, then fat, then muscle mass. So be patient.

To weigh yourself, track calories, look in the mirror and wear tight clothes can all make it harder to recover.

I'm finished preparing and are taking the jump tomorrow.

My goal now is body healing and reaching it's set point weight. That means I'm ditching the other plan I had.  Tomorrow I jump up 180 calories to 1700 calories from 1520 this week. After three or so days I'll jump further to 1900 calories, after another 3 days if I'm hungry for more I'll jump to 2100 and after another three days I'll jump to 2300. I'm thinking I may need more time than three days to be hungry for more, but the opposite can happen as well, and my body may be ready to jump after only two days. I will find the best solution for my body, and will not force it to eat like I forced it to starve.

One motivating factor is reading recipes and thinking I can allow myself to eat all that. That gives me joy and a feeling of freedom. I have solved my clothing problem so that is no longer holding me back from jumping to reach my goal, or my body's goal, more precisely. See, I refuse to dress womanly and with curves I see that as a threat to my body image. I like teen boys wear and mens wear. I started dressing with ties and mens jackets when I was 16, and I have never liked much of womens wear. I do like some, though, but it can easily be combined with mens wear.

Only thing I'm not sure about yet is if I am going to follow a meal plan or let my self give in to extreme hunger if that arrives. I have been wondering what the result of giving in to EH compared to not giving into it will be. I haven't found so much info about it. Just that some who doesn't give into it may think they are recovered before they really are. I don't want that of course. I want full recovery and stay there. I am not afraid of EH, because I have experienced it many years ago, but I would prefer avoiding it because I don't think I can afford to buy a huge amount of food at the moment.

So I wonder if it is possible to get a healthy recovery without giving in to it. I would rather eat a few hundred calories more than minimum daily than eating a lot the first days of the month and end up with no money for food at the end of the month. Will I overshoot more if I don't give into it and use very much more time to get well without extreme eating? I do not want to worry about not having enough money for food either. That is stressful.

So untill more money is coming in I think eating according to a meal plan and counting calories to make sure I eat enough will be the best for me. If I get extreme hunger I don't have to count, but I will try to have some control so i don't eat what ever and extreme amounts. I have read about peoples experiences with extreme hunger today. Two said that the extreme hunger disappeared after a few weeks because the body understood it got enough food every day. I find that reasonable. I mean, it's ok and understandable that the body are telling me it is very hungry, but as long as I feed it food for healing purposes it is not restricting when I don't give into it and let my body take over completely. I don't say there is wrong eating according to the extreme hunger, but I think maybe it is okey not to do it as well as long as I give the body above minimum amounts.

I will get more money when a guy moves into the apartment in june, july or august. This person can be a challange for me, and that's ok. This recovery will test our friendship because he likes me skinnier the better and have to watch me eat a lot and be huge. It will certainly be interesting to see if he can be supportive or not.Perhaps he wants to move out or never move in, ha ha. At first I thought I needed to be sure he could support me before I could take the jump into full recovery, but as my motivation increased I don't feel I need his approval. This is my thing, if he likes it or not. I can handle a rejection if it's based on such a superficial thing as body size. 

Anoreksia: et middel som ikke virker slik hensikten med det var.

Å bli tynn så en kunne glemme seg selv og være fri til å utfolde seg. Vel, det motsatte skjer når det å være tynn er betingelsen, fordi det er svært vanskelig å være fri når man distraheres av egen sult, ikke har energi, når en har smerter, må følge rutiner, spise spesiell mat og være aktiv for å forbrenne kalorier. Strategien feiler, men av mangel på en annen fortsetter vi i samme spor. Hva med å spørre seg om det kan finnes andre måter? Å glemme seg selv/ikke hemme seg selv kan man gjøre når som helst, men man må gi seg selv friheten uten betingelser.

Anoreksia kan også være en måte å ødelegge det man vil bli fri fra, men heller ikke det er en strategi som fungerer. Uansett hvor mye jeg sulter kroppen og dets tilhørende lave følelser og begjær vil det ikke forsvinne helt før kroppen slutter å fungere helt. Om man vil begrense sinne vil ikke det skje ved å fokusere på sinne. På lik linje med at man ikke blir fri fra seg selv ved å kontrollere seg selv. Man må skifte fokus. Velge å fokusere utover seg selv for å bli fri fra seg selv og fokusere på det som gjør en glad om en vil bli kvitt sinnet. 

Men du spør kanskje " men, er jeg bra nok til å gjøre det da?". Saken er at du vil kun oppleve at du er bra nok om du unner deg (og dermed også andre) frihet og glede.

Mr. Ano is not a devil.

Mr Ano is not a devil in diguise. He is just helping us be thin and stay thin. The lack of self accept and body accept is our own. The hate someone has towards themselves is their own. Mr Ano is just a helper we want to help us because we don't accept our body. When we can accept how we are Mr. Ano is gone. 

Sinne, ikke frykt er veien. / Ære være sinnet!

Jeg kom på at den gangen jeg spiste meg frisk fra anoreksia da jeg var 18 klarte det så greit fordi jeg var bevisst på at det som hadde hendt ikke var min feil. Jeg var skuffet og sint på faren min og ikke redd! Jeg ser mønsteret nå. Tre perioder har jeg vært opptatt av å gå ned i vekt pga noe som har skjedd. Alle gangene var jeg redd i stedet for å være sint på mennene som hadde såret meg. Første gangen var det en som gikk for langt fysisk, liksom spiste meg opp kroppslig. Da ble jeg redd for andres mulige grenseløse oppførsel og ville selv begrense meg. Den andre gangen var da jeg var redd faren min ikke brydde seg om meg og behandlet meg som luft. Da ville jeg bli som luft. Tredje gangen fikk jeg unntaksvis bulimi fordi da handlet det om mamma, ikke menn, og jeg spiste masse fordi jeg savnet hennes kjærlighet og kastet opp all råttenskapen hun i stedet kastet innpå meg. Fjerde gangen ble jeg psykisk spist opp av en tom-hjertet vampyr-fyr. Ja, det er han som fortsatt eter og suger ut all livskraften min. Jeg krymper av hans kulde og fortæres av alt han krever av meg (fordi han er en ansvarsløs drittunge).

Hva gjør jeg feil gang på gang? Jeg blir redd og lei meg istedenfor sinna når noen sårer meg. Jeg liker ikke å erfare meg selv som sint og etterpå føle meg som en fiende. Men hei!, det er bedre enn å innskrenke seg. Jeg gjør så godt jeg kan for å unngå det nå, ved å unngå å ha noe med han å gjøre utover det nødvendigste, men bare at han er i livet mitt er fortærende. Han har ikke noen begrensninger for hvor kvalm han kan tillate seg være mot andre. Jeg må ta vare på sinnet mitt om jeg skal ta tilbake friheten. Jeg må ikke være redd for å bli sinna på han. Jeg har f.eks hatt lyst til å si han kan dra til helvete, men har ikke hatt samvittighet til det.

Når jeg har tenkt på dette jeg nå skriver kan jeg føle meg selv igjen. Den som synes det er ok å ha en større kropp. Er ikke det merkelig? Så ukjent! Den meg som jeg har undertrykt fordi jeg ikke har klart å akseptere den delen av meg som gir faen og er sinna. Jeg kom til og med på tanken om at det hadde vært kult å bli stor bare for å provosere de teite jentene som snakker stygt om lubne jenter fordi det er "feil". Herregud, nå som jeg har denne gamle meg-delen integrert synes jeg størrelse og form er så utrolig uvesentlig.

Nå har jeg lyst til å slette diett.no, hive matvekta og kroppsvekta langt uti skauen. Jeg har bare lyst til å akseptere realiteten, behovene og..Faen, jeg er sinna og det er deilig! Hvordan kan noen ha kalt meg sterk når jeg har valgt frykt fremfor sinne til stadighet? Sterk vilje er e'n ting, men å være sterk handler om å stå i sin kraft. Den kraft jeg ikke har hatt fordi jeg undertrykte mitt sinne. Ganske så uvitende faktisk.

Jeg vil ikke være behagelig som mamma mer. Jeg var veldig bevisst på det før jeg ble tenåring. Jeg vil være tøff! Bad-ass. Sult og sinne henger sammen. Det er noe aggressivt ved å spise og å ville ha noe.

Hvem var det som trengte å begrense seg? Var det dem eller jeg?
Dem først og fremst, og var det noe jeg ikke trengte å begrense var det matinntaket! Sinne er ikke problemet, men hva man kan komme til å si. Jeg ser nå at om jeg eier sinnekraften i meg vil jeg ikke glippe og si sårende ting! Ha! Jeg har funnet løsningen på mine problemer. Ære være sinnekraften!

To be as small as possible is death if you think you are your body.

To be as small as possible you must forget your body and "yourself",  the picture of yourself, and love others, see them totally. Then you are love, not the little personality you see yourself as in this world. If you die before you understand this, because you identify yourself with the body, you will regret not being a person who loved others in this world when you come to the other side and see the truth. There is the freedom for you. Noone will refuse you when you love, cause noone refuse love. So just love. Don't refuse anything or anyone including the person you are in this world.

There is no need to fear "losing control".

I have feared losing control and it is also common among others with an eating disorder.  It is not just the fear of eating too much if we eat according to the body's needs we fear, but also the fear of expressing what we feel.

No wonder I have so few close friends when I have been acting so cool all the time, always in control and ready to serve them. I was always holding my feeling back. When I felt that someone cared about me I was able to express my emotions and feelings, though, but I see there is people who express their feelings no matter if people care or not. And that is what I experienced I had to do the day God wanted me to face my biggest fear; to have no choice but to express helplessness, fear and despair in a room where several people had no compassion, but negative thoughts about me, for being hysterical and consumed in myself.

But what I discovered underneath the fear was amazing. While I had no control of my emotions I found acceptance and peace inside of me, so it didn't matter and it was no threat to me, that the others did'nt have compassion for me. I felt I in a way had more control than ever this way, even though I did not curb my emotions, because my view was wider, I was more alert and I could feel what all the others felt as well. To express emotions without restrictions is not the same as having no control. You can still stop expressing them when you need to do something else.

I remember also the times I ate without control that I was beside myself while I did it. That is not being without control. It is action without restriction.

I learned at home that crying just because something bad had happened to me was wrong. That was self pity and detestable. That is why I did'nt dare doing it. Only crying because something bad had happened to others was ok according to my mum. But that is so wrong, you know. Those who feel self pity don't express more than the superficial amount of the sorrow. They don't feel the pain and the depth of their sorrow.

I have been afraid of expressing my emotions because I thought I could be detested and rejected if i did. I have experienced that while crying. While I was crying very openly I felt my mums negative thoughts about me as black needles penetrating me.

Now I see that I have overcome this fear a long way. I don't think there is any point restricting my emotions, thoughts or the body's attempt to still its hunger. I can take care of my self even though others don't care. I don't ask for approval anymore.

There is no need to fear losing control even though a lot of overly masculine people fear this feminine aspect of human beings.

Thoughtful and trustworthy treatment plan.

I have taken out some parts of a long "article" named "guidelines for the nutritional management of anorexia nervosa" you can read if you click the link at the end of the first section. It is worth reading.

A weekly weight gain of 0.5–1.0 kg is generally regarded as optimum. There is some preliminary research evidence that a minimum weight gain of 0.5 kg per week results in greater weight gain at discharge than use of a higher minimum (Herzog et al, 2004). A gain of 1 kg per week requires an energy intake of 1000 kcal (4200 kJ) daily above the maintenance requirement. An intake of 2200–2500 kcal (9200–10 500 kJ) daily will promote weight gain of 0.5–1.0 kg per week in most patients. The rate of gain will slow down as weight increases, owing to an increase in metabolic rate and physical activity. It may be appropriate to increase energy intake to compensate for this or to allow a slower rate of weight gain in order to facilitate stopping at the agreed maintenance figure.http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/files/pdfversion/cr130.pdf

For those who eat carbs when refeeding: Hypophosphataemia may develop rapidly during refeeding; if severe, it can cause cardiac and respiratory failure, delirium and fits. Malnourished patients are likely to be phosphate-deficient. When refeeding begins, metabolism of carbohydrate increases and phosphate reserves may be exhausted. Ingestion of large quantities of carbohydrates, such as occurs during refeeding, may result in a precipitate drop in serum phosphate levels (Solomon & Kirby, 1990; Fisher et al, 2000; Winston & Wells, 2002; Hearing, 2004). Adequate amounts of phosphate should be supplied from the diet. A high phosphate to carbohydrate ratio can be achieved by including at least 600 ml of milk per day, and avoiding the use of sugar and high-sugar foods for the first week or so of refeeding. The use of prophylactic phosphate supplements has been advocated (Fisher et al, 2000) but has not been subjected to evaluation.

Some patients develop peripheral oedema in the early stages of refeeding. It appears to be particularly common in those who have misused laxatives or induced vomiting prior to admission. In severe cases it can lead to rapid weight gain of several kilograms, but usually begins to resolve in 7–10 days. Refeeding oedema should be distinguished from cardiac failure, of which other signs are absent.

Planning the diet should include particular attention to the following: • regular, stable intake of carbohydrate, to prevent erratic weight changes; • adequate intake of protein, especially for vegetarians, those who avoid dairy products and those with increased protein requirements (e.g. in infection); • adequate intake of essential fatty acids; • adequate intake of nutrients necessary to support bone mineral density (calcium, vitamin D, magnesium); • iron and zinc for those who do not eat red meat; • fat-soluble vitamins; • the need for long-term, well-balanced vitamin and mineral supplementation; • the need for supplementation with specific nutrients that are difficult to provide in adequate amounts from the diet, especially where there are increased requirements. Managing hunger should be addressed in planning.

For most people, it is not possible to abolish hunger while at a low body weight, although some deny it or appear not to experience it. A number of approaches may help the patient to manage hunger and prevent overwhelming craving. They include regular, frequent meals and snacks; eating slowly; including adequate amounts of starchy carbohydrate and, if possible, some fat in the diet; and constructing meals with a variety of foods. Some individuals may appreciate including controlled amounts of foods which they like but find difficult to allow themselves.

Oral feeding requirements The estimated average energy requirement in the UK for healthy girls aged 11– 18 years ranges from 1845 kcal to 2110 kcal (7750–8860 kJ) per day; for boys of the same age the range is 2220 kcal to 2755 kcal (9325–11 570 kJ) per day (Department of Health, 1991). As with adults, children and adolescents with anorexia require hypercaloric diets in order to gain weight, especially when approaching a minimum healthy level.
Most authorities suggest that teenage girls who are anorexic require an energy intake in excess of 3000 kcal (12 600 kJ) daily to achieve full weight restoration, whereas the American Psychiatric Association (Anonymous, 2000) recommends 70–100 kcal/kg (295–420 kJ/kg) per day. Energy needs are obviously greater in young, growing adolescents and it often becomes difficult for those with anorexia to ingest enough energy to gain weight. Increased energy needs continue into the maintenance period. Kaye et al (1986) have shown that people with anorexia require an extra 200–400 kcal (840–1680 kJ) a day for up to 6 months after reaching maintenance weight. Weltzin et al (1991) reported that recovering patients required 45–50 kcal/kg (190–210 kJ/kg) per day to maintain 95% average weight for height, compared with 30 kcal/kg (125 kJ/kg) per day in a healthy control group. The American Psychiatric Association (Anonymous, 2000) suggests using 40–60 kcal/kg (170–250 kJ/kg) per day during the weight maintenance period. It has also been demonstrated that people with restricting anorexia require significantly more energy than those with the binge/ purging subtype (Kaye et al, 1986; Weltzin et al, 1991).

One great statement

I was allowed to put this, as I found in a E.D group, here on my blog.
I will thrive ! We all will  !! As eating disorder survivors we've gone through things that most people haven't. We've fought a hard battle within ourselves. Like Buddha said " It is better to conquer yourself than a thousand battles!" And all of us Eating Disorder Survivors have done just that !! I hope that we all make a significant impact on society. We each have a lot to offer.

Gud tok bort frykten min.

Jeg kom på hva som må ha forårsaket denne plutselige helbredelsen. Jeg ba nemlig til Gud kort tid før det skjedde. Jeg tenkte da at kanskje Gud kunne hjelpe meg på en måte med anoreksien sånn at jeg fikk det bedre, men uten å fjerne den. Jeg ville ikke miste sykdommen siden jeg fryktet å legge på meg, og ønsket å beholde kontrollen. Jeg hadde forresten noen uker i forveien bedt om å bli kvitt sinnet mitt, men det forsvant selvsagt ikke. (Fatter forresten ikke at jeg kunne være så dum at jeg ba om det.) Jeg har en tendens til å glemme at det er en positiv kraft selv om den kan misbrukes til destruksjon. At jeg blir fort og ofte sint skyldes sult og slitenhet, tror jeg. Men altså fikk jeg ideen om å be Gud om å fjerne den plagsomme frykten min. I bakhodet hadde jeg tanken om at det fantes kvinner som, tilsynelatende ihvertfall, hadde full kontroll på matinntak og trening og var tynne, uten å være drevet av en sånn vanvittig frykt for å legge på seg som jeg var. At de var tynne, ikke fordi de var redde, men fordi de brydde seg om kroppen sin. Ikke at jeg ville bli som de, men at et liv med mindre frykt kanskje kunne hjelpe meg å bli mindre anspent i sosiale sammenhenger og redusere muskelsmertene mine.

Jeg hadde ikke tenkt på mulige konsekvenser av å bli fratatt frykten, og hadde jeg brukt litt tid på å tenke på det hadde jeg nok droppet å be om det, for hva er det som holder liv i anoreksi om det ikke er frykt? Det er frykt som opprettholder anoreksi, så da den forsvant raste hele stillaset sammen. Alle delene som var sveiset sammen av frykt falt fra hverandre og ned på bakken.

Frykten hadde tåkelagt realiteten og ensporet tankene mine. Nå kunne jeg se klart, f.eks hvor tynn jeg virkelig er. Pga frykten hadde jeg tvilt på det jeg så i speilet og tvilt på nødvendigheten av å legge på meg, og jeg fokuserte på det lille fettet jeg fant på lårene og det jeg ikke fant på magen (og gjorde meg trygg)  i stedet for å se det som var spinkelt.

Anoreksien forsvant fordi frykten -for å legge på seg- forsvant. Nå ser jeg hvor vanvittig det var at jeg var så intenst redd for akkurat dette, og kan faktisk ikke begripe at det er mulig at det som har vært har vært. Det føles som om jeg har våknet fra et mareritt.

Jeg drømte i stad noe som er verdt å nevne. Jeg drømte at kroppen min var preget av mange menneskers vilje. Jeg føler meg nå ren for disse andre, og er ikke fanget av en slik "besatt" kropp som før. Usikkerheten min må ha tiltrukket seg interessen for andres meninger og vilje, og dette har preget meg, og delvis styrt meg, delvis skapt en opposisjon i meg. Nå er kroppen min, og det er ingen grunn til å kjempe i mot den. Ingen andre enn meg har kontroll over den og derfor kan jeg slappe av, slakke på tøylene. Fra nå skal jeg ta vare på kroppen min. MIN! Nå har jeg kontroll alene og jeg har bare 1 vilje, jeg er ikke delt mellom fornuft og frykt.

26 år med spiseforstyrrelse er over.

Blomstermedisin

Her er en link om essenser for angst og spenninger. Vil i tillegg nevne epleblomst mot følelsen av å være skitten. Det funker som bare det etter 4 ukers tids bruk.http://www.flowersociety.org/angeli_panicattacks.htm

Theta healing

Jeg har så lyst til å lære meg thetahealing og kunne heale andre. Men de som tilbyr kurs har jeg ikke nok tillit til. Jeg skal lese boka av oppfinneren, og jeg håper jeg får noen nyttige tips i den. Håper det er nok til å begynne. Hun har gitt ut et par bøker til også, om healingarbeidet, som er mulig å få tak i på engelsk. Grunnen til at jeg vil lære meg dette er at jeg alltid har savnet og søkt Guds kjærlighet, og jeg vil gjerne formidle den videre. Til nå har det letteste for meg vært å få kontakt med Guds sannhet, ikke Guds kjærlighet. Jeg er liksom ikke den moderlige typen, hvis du skjønner. Mer en tenker som har høye idealer og kan være for streng på flere områder enn lurt er.

Jeg har bedt Han om tillatelse til å også få tilgang til kjærlighetskraften Hans, og håper sterkt at jeg får lov til å være en kanal for denne fantastiske kraften. Jeg ser for meg at kantene mine må slipes ned, at jeg må bli mildere, mindre streng på områder dette ikke er nødvendig, mindre skeptisk og mer hjertelig. Jeg har renset meg i mange år, men renser meg gjerne mer. Ikke noe er bedre enn å bli kvitt grovheter og negative forestillinger. Jeg forandrer meg mer enn gjerne til en mer hjertelig person. Jeg beundrer rolige, tolerante mennesker som har visdom nok til ikke å la seg hisse opp. Siden jeg gjenkjenner det i andre regner jeg med at jeg har det i meg som potensiale. Det må bare jobbes frem. Det ligger langt fra lett tilgjengelig.

De siste årene har jeg manglet en selvutviklingsmetode jeg vil bruke og jeg har manglet et mål. Jeg har bare hatt hodet nede i anoreksiens mørke. En liten periode tenkte jeg at jeg ville bli yogalærer, men så mistet jeg motivasjonen igjen. Nå som jeg skriver mye her er jeg ikke så misfornøyd. Det viktigste er at jeg gjør noe kreativt og deler noe.