How does our ED serve us?

Do we need to look thin to be loved? Do we need to be delicate to get the attention we need, be noticed and cared for? If you imagine yourself at a normal weight will you panic and be afraid you will just blend in and be left unnoticed and not cared for? Be uninteresting and boring, not worth attention?Do people think we are strong if we are not skinny so they won't think of giving us any compassion and support and just ask for our attention? Are we surrounded by people who are too busy or self centered to pay attention to us we have to be destructive in a desperate attempt to be seen and loved? Will the self centered people care more just because we get skinny, though? Will they not just get stressed and push us to get well so they can continue paying attention on what they normally pay attention to?

For me anorexia is three fold. It is a metaphore for how starved I am for love, a hunger strike towards unfair treatment, as well as an attempt to not need what I desperately long for (love). "I don't need food = my mums love, at the same time I wish she will finally feel compassion for her starved daughter. Meanwhile I cope by pretending I don't need anything. I am fine. I feel hunger for food, but I can control that. To control the love from others is not easy, but I try, by starving myself.

Thing is, I will never succeed. I will never get love from people who has no love to give. I will never feel loved if I am loved just because I am skinny either. If I got love because I got very skinny from the people I hope will love me it would only be temporary, till I was recovered, so I wont recover. I dont want to lose their love.

If I find out they don't love me if I am skinny and choose to recover because my plan to get love did not work, I have to find something else to do to be loved. But I dont know what that should be so I just continue doing what I have always done, even though it does not work. And maybe to recover will make my mum care even less, be disgusted even. Scary, to feel even more rejected.

Or should I just understand they will never love me and find someone who will? If I find someone who shows me compassion I can much easier find compassion for myself.

Even though some people who are important to us do not give as attention it has nothing to do with us. It is not our fault. It is not because we are boring or ugly. They just did not prioritise it or did not understand we needed it because they are self centered and busy. I hope my thoughts was inspiring somehow. I was inspired by this interview of Gabor Mate. Recommend to listen to it several times or stop to take notes.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asiL0WY7gck&ab_channel=TraumaSuperConference-FreeGifts