I have lived in Kenya now for about 4 months. I have lost weight. I wanted to be thin like those who lives here so I ate a bit less (1500 calories daily) for a while before I came. I feel miserable. I get easily upset and angry when people disappoint me, I cry every time I do yoga. I feel hungry and weak and have terrible headaches. I always have headaches, more or less painful. I don't do much because I dont have the energy and I feel bad because I don't do much, but if i ask myself how much I would have to do to feel good enough to allow myself to eat as much as I need the answer is no amount is big enough. No effort can be brilliant enough either to be worth eating enough and maybe have a big body. So I'm trapped. No use in trying to heal physically once again when I know I wont let myself be at a normal weight when I get there. I will as every time before start to restrict again once my body is at a normal weight. I think my parents are the cause of me feeling unworthy. They treated me like shit and never took me seriously. I have asked God if He can heal me so I don't feel unworthy anymore. This is the root cause of my anorexia so let's see how it goes from there. I feel that a fat body is disgusting so that must change as well. I haven't always thought like that, but I'm back to feeling that now, when I think I am the one who has to carry the fat. It would help tremendously if I had a stable boyfriend who would desire me if I was bigger. I am slightly underweight now. BMI 17,4, but I think I have a lot of fat on my body. It is the muscles I have lost mostly.
Update after 4 new months: I lost weight too rapidly so I had to increase my calories to 1600, but I am still losing weight. I weigh 51 now. (171cm tall) I have got a boyfriend now who do support me if I want to heal, eat more etc. I am mentally preparing myself to eat more. I will try reverse dieting very soon. I think I will start today. I will never go back so i have to let God heal me completely this time and let no fear remain. This is what I wrote to my boyfriend today:
I saw a Masaai woman before me in a queue at Naivas today and she looked so strong, fierce and with dignity. She is my role model to think about if I gain weight. She looked androgyne with her short hair. She looked awesome and even though she probably weighed 70 kilos or more she looked awesome. For me respect and dignity is everything. If I can be bigger and still get respect and attention I dont need to be thin. I was almost starting to talk to her and tell her my situation and what I thought of her, but she got a customer. I may talk to her another time. I get exactly what I need when I need it. God is helping me now so much. I have changed my mindset a lot since we last talked as I have been thinking, listening and dreaming about healthy mindset around eating and body. I feel more content and happy right now because I am starting to envision what healthy, natural thinking around food and body looks like. This is what I need God to help me with, also further, so I once and for all can start to work with my body as a team and embrace what is natural in a world where most people are artificial, materialistic and has lost touch with their soul and its connection to mother earth.
I pre-feel the peace I will feel not being afraid of weight gain and how calm I will be without the stress the body produces from being constantly underfed. I have already decided I want to heal. I like the thought of healthy/natural/loving too much to continue depriving my body. I will increase my calories a little already today. I wont even eat the exact same amount of calories every day either, but rather try listening to my body because I have understood that my body is the most reliable to listen to when i wonder about how much and what to eat. A nutritionist can only give guidelines, not precise recommendations. There is a lot of freedom in this as the body is always with me. I think this was my missing piece and the key to be able to get well. This was what I needed to understand to snap out of the fear based mindset. I needed something to trust, to feel safe and stop fearing and distrust the body is the solution. Earlier I always thought of my body as the enemy because it wasn't to be trusted. At least that was what i thought after the ugly older guy told me sex and love is separate things when I was 16. (I had felt love when I was attracted sexually to boys so when he told me what he did I assumed he was right and that what i had felt was something else and therefor my body was not to be trusted. It was traumatizing) I'm getting closer to where I am no longer neurotic. I will let God do everything he wants to heal my psyche. I feel grateful.
I have made a list to motivate me to eat naturally. Here it is:
-Stop the fight with my body and be at peace and freedom accepting the bodys needs/signals.
-The relentless pride will lessen as I no longer am proud of being able to manipulating my body as I wish and how thin it looks.
-God will be happy because I am no longer destructive and because i accept the energy/life he wants to offer me in the form of food.
-I will be authentic/natural.
-I will become healthy
-I will experience less pain in muscles, joints and my head.
-I will become stronger mentally and physically.
-My libido will increase (a good thing now that i am not single)
-I will be more tolerant, my short temper, my short fuse, will be healed.
-I will have more energy to be more active, get stronger and to serve God.
- I will be more happy and to share that with others.
-I will no longer wish to die because of depression and feeling that my health is deteriorating. (Muscle and joint pain continuously in new places and headaches and migraines more and more often.
-To become less neurotic by being open for God changing my mindset and become more realistic/accept reality, not demand unrealistic measures of myself.
I wish to have some motivating goals to look forward to as well. If I increase my energy I will be able to do more:
-Photography
-Reading
-Writing
-Yoga
-Strength training
-Swimming
-Dancing
-Cooking won't be such a drag with enough energy
I hope I will find something new and exciting to do. Maybe:
-Parachuting
-Get a dog and train it
-Scuba diving or just snorkeling
-Gardening
-Grow vegetables
Funny thing is I thought women here would be thin, but there is much more thin women in Norway. Here they don't care about being thin and they don't diet. They eat a lot of fat. They fry things made of flours, fish and potatoes in oil. So to gain weight here is not so scary. No one will tell me i am too fat. I love the fact that dieting isn't a thing here and that anorexia is something they have never heard about.
I don't want to use my strength to endure self inflicted pain anymore. I want to be strong to be a role model, help free people and to feel protected. I no longer want to be thin, cute and so fragile people have to give me my will. I want to get my will because i deserve it and because I am strong enough to get it fair and square.
The Masaai women represents strength and being a warrior (even though it is still just men who are allowed to be one, but that won't last forever). I don't want to be weak mentally by giving into fear of weight gain or weak physically as a result of it. No, I want to be strong enough to share my smiles to people I meet along my path.
We who has anorexia consider us selves as strong because we are self disciplined, sacrifice a lot to reach our goal and endure a lot of pain, but we are actually weak when we give into our fear of gaining a healthy weight and don't accept ourselves the way we are. I want to be a strong warrior who conquer my fear of rejection and I will no longer manipulate my body just to prove to my materialistic parents that I am not my body.
