Native american quotes

The Old Ones say the Native American women will lead the healing among the tribes. Inside them are the powers of love and strength given by the Moon and the Earth. When everyone else gives up, it is the women who sings the songs of strength. She is the backbone of the people. So, to our women we say, sing your songs of strength; pray for your special powers; keep our people strong; be respectful, gentle, and modest. -Village Wise Man, Lakota

A man who looks first to a woman's outer beauty will never know her beauty divine, for there is dust upon his eyes and he is blind. But a man who sees in a woman the spirit of the Great One and sees her beauty first in spirit and truth, that man will know "Divinity" in that woman. - White Buffalo Calf Womanhttp://www.whitewolfpack.com/2015/02/women-are-sacred-11-native-american.html

A dream the night after I stopped the weight gain project.

First scene:
Someone was after me. I don't remember who or what it was. Only that it was dark and in a degree of evil. I was looking for a house with a friend of mine. When I found the house I was looking for I got a bit surprised by the state it was in. I thought it was in a better condition than it was. I wanted to live in it anyway and tried to convince my friend that it was a good idea by talking about the positive parts of it. It was very small, very hard to get into and with no windows. It was a house noone lived in because it was too damaged.

Next scene: I was sitting on an icebear in a park in the time of spring. I could see the busy streets because I was not far from the entrance. Suddenly i saw a circus manager walking proudly with a black dress hat on in front of the rest of the circus members that was walking one by one in a line behind the little round man. They walked pass the park. Suddenly I saw they come into the park by the nearest entrance. I thought they must have changed their minds and turned around. Not far back in line it was an elephant coming, and a giraffe. I got a bit worried thinking the ice bear would be excited to see the animals, but to my surprise it did not move an inch. I stepped down from it and took a close look at it, and found it was a statue!

A combination of restriction and eating intuitively.

A combination of restriction and eating intuitively. Is that the normal, modern and vain woman's eating pattern? Well, so I reduced the calories to 2000 yesterday and will eat a bit less than that today. I have been thinking about two possible plans to follow to keep my weight here at the line between normal and underweight. 1 is to eat the amount i feel like eating ( I hate to be full and I like to starve a bit), sleep the amount I feel like and exercise the amount I feel like (stop forcing a lot in me and risk gaining too much) and hope my weight won't be much higher and try to accept it, or 2 is to make sure i don't gain by controlling my intake. Problem is I don't know how much i should eat at this point to keep my weight. I don't think reducing my intake down to 1500 (that is what the body will use when I don't exercise) is very wise at the moment to stop gaining. I would then lose my period and my health would be worse. (My heart still beats suddenly very hard 1-3 times sometimes) I am afraid that if I reduce it to 1800 I will still gain. I wish i knew. I think i will try a combination of the two and eat 1700 - 1750 calories. With no exercise I might gain, but it would be nice to take the chance and find out that i don't. I mean, if my weight was 45 i would gain for sure. But now that i weigh 10 kilos more it is possible i won't. I can try it and have a bit exercise. Like a daily 30 minute walk and a bit of yoga and very light strength training with elastic bands 2-3 times a week. I am now what those in myeatopia calls quasi-recovery. I have been there before so i know it well. Thing is, a lot of people are that even with no eating disorder. It means they control their body and have no acceptance for a natural weight if that weight is at the higher end of normal BMI so the needs are not entirely satisfied.

I hope my weight distribution will change even though I don't gain to a natural weight. I have lost my belief in the set point theory because I see a lot of people who eat naturally gain and loose weight easily. If I have to control my eating extensively no matter what weight I would rather do it on a low BMI. Now I think it is better to be sick a lot and have little energy than weighing 10 kilos more. I can't handle it. Seriously.

Oh God, I'm caught in the trap!

I was not just nervous yesterday. I panicked and hyperventilated by the thought of continues weight gain. I think I looked awful when I had a weight 10 kilos more than now. Awful! I don't want to go there. I don't! There is no way out of this trap if I can't accept the weight gain. I came this far, but to accept even higher weight is impossible. I said I could accept it, but that was just in my fantasy. I was desperate and hopeful, I guess. I am so confused. What a defeat! I gained so fast. Oh oh oh! :( I don't dare to eat beyond minimum anymore. I don't even dare to eat minimum. If I was alone in this world I could eat what ever amount I wanted, but i am not. I think i will reduce and see if i feel worse or not. Oh, this is no good. I just wish I knew if it is normal for anorexia recovered people to reduce the calories when coming to a healthy BMI or if they eat the same amount. According to MinnieMaud one should continue eating minimum. I don't know about any other guidelines.

Not much improvement

There is no improvement when it comes to bloating. If I should spend the whole day with someone and held the gas inside I would have bursted. There is so much! The more I eat the worse it gets. Today I will go from 3000 down to 2500 because I am sick of it. Just eat a bit less to every meal. I hope I won't feel hunger, because then i am not doing recovery right. Restricting is not allowed. I do restrict types of food, but that is not as important as the amount.

I still often feels painful to pinch my skin. When my son wants to hug me he must be careful not to squeeze me too hard at my upper body.

I must admit I feel a bit scared now for further weight gain because I feel big and feminine already at BMI 18,5. To weigh above this is uncomfortable for me. I'm a little nervous about it. I want to delay it by going back to eat the minimum. It's so hard picture my self bigger. I have a fuller face now. It is both prettier and scary to look at. I look so alive and human. I can't describe it precisely.

Weight distribution in pictures.

After reaching set point the body will change appearance. In recovery there is unusual amounts of fat and water around the mid section to protect the inner organs, but also on the boobs, ass and thighs. You look very feminin. I have a link here to a blogpost where you can see pictures of how the weight is distributed from in recovery to some time later after fully recovered.http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2015/03/guest-post-julia-lord-still-loves-me.html?showComment=1427024523752#c7589769025639768483

Oh man! I've gain 10 kilos!

It took almost 11 weeks! I just had to peek at the weight even though we are warned against it, because i had no idea what my weight was and just had to know. But I was pretty sure I would be happy, and not afraid, of a huge weight gain. Now I weigh exactly what i did before started eating low carb, but still restricted: 53,4 kilos. Actually i think i look better now than at my lowest weight. I am more happy about my body. If I keep gaining in the same speed my weight will be 63,4 kilos in the beginning of june. I would like to keep my current weigh, but not if I have to starve and being destructive.

I don't want a life that is just about food anymore, and as long as I have to be so passive all the time as I am feeding my body to gain, I still have the same life as before, but without the destructive behaviour, of course.

After 6 weeks I got my period back. I have had another one too! It is rare getting it back so soon, but I think I got it because my body wanted to tell me I am doing the right thing eating so much, because i truly was unsure the first couple of weeks, because it felt so strange doing it.